Friends, the last couple of weeks have been extremely trying for me. 

Last month, I found out I was pregnant. My spouse and I were incredibly excited because we want to grow our family. We started thinking about our life with a little one. What names do we like? Who are they going to look like more? Me? Or my spouse?

At my first OB appointment, I found out I was five or six weeks into my pregnancy. I was about two months late, so it was a surprise to learn I was that early on. Anyway, my next appointment after that was scheduled two weeks later. However, I began experiencing some complications leading up to that appointment. To avoid TMI, I’ll stay away from the specifics. It was the Saturday approaching my 8th week when I felt like things were off. Despite my appointment being days away, our hospital liaison suggested I go to the hospital ASAP.

It was then I actually saw our little bean for the first time via ultrasound. I cried. I couldn’t believe I was seeing something that was growing inside of me. Because of the complications, the doctor gave me a hormone shot to hopefully help. They didn’t hear a heartbeat so I was scheduled to come back again on Monday. I was hopeful. We were in a gray area of our baby’s development because around this time a heartbeat should be heard, but it might still be developing. Monday rolled around and it was still silent. My heart sank – and I became extremely nervous. My doctor still couldn’t be definitive, so we scheduled another appointment for Thursday.

That was when we received devastating news. I must have miscarried because she couldn’t find the bean I saw earlier that week. It was then that it hit me. I will never get the chance to see and feel this baby grow. A future that my spouse and I were hoping for ended. I hate being so dramatic, but I can’t explain the flurry of emotions that rushed through my body when I saw my empty belly on the ultrasound. This was our first pregnancy and I was (and still am) heartbroken. 

Not only did I encounter a rush of sadness, my body was still suffering from the effects. My doctor prescribed medication in hopes to help my body fully miscarry. But nearly another week passed and I was still hurting. When I went in for yet another follow-up, my doctor suggested a D&C procedure. At that time, I was diagnosed with an incomplete miscarriage.

I thought to myself, “this is never-ending.” I have to come back in again. For the fifth time in two weeks. What is happening? How will I go on?

My spouse was actually the person to tell me that miscarriage is common. About 1 in 10 women experience one. Also, he mentioned that more than 80% go onto having healthy pregnancies afterward. 

I know I’m not alone, but it’s still difficult to understand.

Why me?

I will never get an answer to that question. Even knowing it wasn’t my fault, I blame myself. I feel guilty. I feel pain. I feel helpless. 

Instead, I need to focus on coping with our loss and healing physically and emotionally. Things will get better. I know that. I have to focus on that.

Also, thank you all for taking a couple of minutes out of your day to listen to me, a grieving woman that lost her chance to be a mom (at least for now). I wanted to share my story because it helps me to talk about it. I hope to offer any support for others that have experienced a miscarriage. I don’t want anyone to ever feel alone. Despite being thousands of miles from home and in a foreign country, like myself, there is always people nearby – just holler.

A huge shout-out to my colleagues that offered space and kind words during this difficult time. I am truly lucky to work with passionate people that are also compassionate and understanding. It killed me to be away from the office, but I’ve learned that I needed time to heal. 

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6 Comments

  1. My heart breaks for you dear friend. No one should have to experience losing a child and it is something that not everyone understands. Having been through it as well if you EVER want to talk please feel free to send me a note. Sending lots of love your way.

    • Rachel Reply

      Jen, thank you for opening up your heart to me and sending love my way. It’s so appreciated. xo

  2. Oh oh!! Sorry to hear. Don’t feel guilty. It’s not your fault. Like Rob said it is very common. My friend went through a similar situation and 3 months later she got pregnant again, now 2 yrs later she is on number 2. There’s a silver lining coming your way. Don’t lose hope. I know you will be an awesome mom. I’m praying for you. God bless your womb and your family.

    • Rachel Reply

      Thank you Hannah! Miss you and hope all is well. I so appreciate your kind words. Lots of love!

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